My hero is the collective human race

One person can have a profound effect on us but I don't feel that I have a "hero" I find that my hero is the collective human race I don't just look to find inspiration from a single person I look at the stories of all the people around me and the way they get through a day the way they fight to get what they want the way so many of us face our limitations and flows and still plow forward we are so inspiring we have come so far and done so much that it's amazing to me.

So keep fighting on keep inspiring me to do the same keep moving forward cause if you all fail so do I if you all lose faith and become miserable where will I look to for my inspiration?

Falter

Yeah remember how I said i would falter in my new eyes post? Yeah well it happened today idk I just got a random surge of depression like nothing would get me out of it, but I'm out of it haha. Like I haven't really done much since that post but idk tomorrow i'm going to Spellman to send in my transcript request and I'm really thinking of t transferring to a SUNY upstate now man I feel like the dormed life is what I really need.

Last night I asked myself if could do whatever I pleased and no one could say no and had to follow my course of action then what would I do. My answer was either get and apartment with a roomie (preferably a hot/cute girl type haha) and go to school downtown get a job pay my own rent and have my own furniture and stuff or go away to like a third world country and live with people helping with whatever I can. Total opposites it seems. But I would be ecstatic with either opportunity. I need to get out of this rut I feel I'm in but I still have that feeling from last week!

New Eyes

Yeah so everyone knows about the beer goggles and shit but idk last night had the opposite effect of me I wasn't looking at anyone else differently, I was looking at myself like for the first time I think in my life I found the confidence to move on in my life and understood that I can do whatever I put my mind to don't matter what mistakes go down don't matter what other people think of me I feel in my heart that I will succeed in everything I do and will falter but get through to the end I have to thank Donna for it man like talking to her I just felt so transcendental idk haha it may be an exaggeration but that's how I feel like that girl has like my heart man whenever she wants it she can have it cause I feel like she has given me the confidence to do me. This is a different vision of my life it's a different step idk it's like I will succeed I don't care what other people have to say about it. And I knew this in my mind already but I didn't feel it till last night and that's why I just feel so loving and crazy about her idk it's all good and it's not like I'm in love with her romantically or anything it's just I love her for opening me up. It's like when in anime the main character suddenly opens up new channels of their power and kicks the dudes ass haha that's how I feel. It's so great anyways I'll update soon.

It was horrible seeing you the other day.

Can someone anyone just get her out of my head. Make me forget that I ever loved her make me happy that I moved on. This is driving me nuts. All the little signs that I shouldn't be noticing but I do. The fact that she keeps coming up after long periods of time like spectre that does not wish to be forgotten. Just get her out! The fact that my mom defends her makes it twenty times worse like somehow this is my fault as if I didn't really want it so I didn't try. It's all so frustrating makes me want to go out and fight till I knockout or drink till I black out and lose all memory of her it's fo fucking stupid JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!

Flash Back

I want my high school fam back like I miss the days where we all just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. Now it seems like every other person has a problem with each other and just everything is splitting apart. Recently read a high school friend of mines blog and like the stuff she wrote in her blog is just amazing stuff that I wouldn't have known without reading it and it just makes me want to rediscover her.

Idk today has just been like a reminiscing kind of day for me. I brought out all the palancas and cards and everything Anyones ever written to me and just read through it all. My conclusion is that all these people shared their love and time with me and some I never payed them back appropriately some I just want to keep paying them over and over again because they've made such an impact on me and idk I just want to rediscover these people and share happiness and good times together. Like it would make me the happiest just to take this whole summer and do nothing but chill with every single person that's on my fb friend list and has taken some of their time to share their love.

These flash backs to times with specific people and just having fun with them. It's times like these that push me to randomly invite people out to hang out just hoping that through this time we can rekindle our friendship and further it and discover more and develop more our relationships it's like this that we reach the pinnacle of a friendship I believe. Of course there are people that we need not go through with this experience. These people divulge more and more of themselves every day we hang out with them. But we never know what a relationship that started out with a request on a social site can lead. Or a meeting of two people that prior to this exchange only exchanged awkward pleasantries. Idk I thrive on REALLY getting to know people.

As for how I'm feeling right now... Completely and utterly lost. Like I know what I want to experience but I also feel like I just want to live life and let things happen.

I cannot be afforded that luxury though, my parents are struggling with their lives and the weight of what they are in right now. So as the good son that I am, I am forced to follow what they think is best for me or to find a job and help with what's going on at home. They say I can find what I'm looking for around here in my own community but why do I have to feel like I'm compromising what I wanted just because they feel like it's necessary for me to go through college. Like I want to go out and search for a service program and maybe go away for a year and just help people in the world before returning to my studies. Like I'm sure in some way this can be set up for me. But everyone I talk to says no stay in college I won't want to go back into it if I leave, well then we'll cross that bridge when we get there but let me make my own decision on my life and decide where I want to go with it. It's complete and utter bullshit when parents say they're gonna let you make your own life decisions. Yeah alright, my mom actually threatened me with taking away all my stuff if I didn't send in the application money for my transfer out of St. John's well whatever I did it and now my plans are stuck. Tell you one thing though I'm taking sometime away from home in like a study abroad program cause I need adventure.

That's something I have realized lately, I need adventure I need to have things not go as like every one else's day goes. I think that makes an NPO job more appealing to me than a lawyer cause I want to be out and travel helping people all over the globe. But also this brings up the conflict that I want my family to be settled. But idk we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Maybe that's why I only want two kids too? Hmm. Don't know, but I digress. It's 4:42 in the morning and I have to go for a run around nine. haha

Letter to no one

You asked me the other day why I called you a jerk. Well I told you there was no reason it was just random sillyness from me. But that wasn't true I called you that because I feel like you're toying with my emotions. I never know what your intentions are. And I don't trust you any more. You've hurt me multiple times and I can't bring myself to let you in again. I love you. But it hurts to do so cause I feel imma get hurt. I don't know I'll be happiest with you but it hurts to be fooled again.

To You

Why is it that I can spend months away from you yet you come back in my life for a day and feelings for you resurface like a geyser?

Why is it that I can't read you, never know what your intentions are, I'm always confused as to what to be around you?

Are you aware of what you mean to me and how you affect me?

Does it frustrate you that we aren't on the same page

Or do you feel remotely close to the way I do, but are afraid of the consequences?

I just wish I can get a read on you

Because I don't regret having these feelings for you, because all the pain that may come from them being unrequited does not compare to the joy it would bring if they were to come to fruition.

How do I know? Because every second I spend with you is the happiest moment of my day.