My hero is the collective human race

One person can have a profound effect on us but I don't feel that I have a "hero" I find that my hero is the collective human race I don't just look to find inspiration from a single person I look at the stories of all the people around me and the way they get through a day the way they fight to get what they want the way so many of us face our limitations and flows and still plow forward we are so inspiring we have come so far and done so much that it's amazing to me.

So keep fighting on keep inspiring me to do the same keep moving forward cause if you all fail so do I if you all lose faith and become miserable where will I look to for my inspiration?

Falter

Yeah remember how I said i would falter in my new eyes post? Yeah well it happened today idk I just got a random surge of depression like nothing would get me out of it, but I'm out of it haha. Like I haven't really done much since that post but idk tomorrow i'm going to Spellman to send in my transcript request and I'm really thinking of t transferring to a SUNY upstate now man I feel like the dormed life is what I really need.

Last night I asked myself if could do whatever I pleased and no one could say no and had to follow my course of action then what would I do. My answer was either get and apartment with a roomie (preferably a hot/cute girl type haha) and go to school downtown get a job pay my own rent and have my own furniture and stuff or go away to like a third world country and live with people helping with whatever I can. Total opposites it seems. But I would be ecstatic with either opportunity. I need to get out of this rut I feel I'm in but I still have that feeling from last week!

New Eyes

Yeah so everyone knows about the beer goggles and shit but idk last night had the opposite effect of me I wasn't looking at anyone else differently, I was looking at myself like for the first time I think in my life I found the confidence to move on in my life and understood that I can do whatever I put my mind to don't matter what mistakes go down don't matter what other people think of me I feel in my heart that I will succeed in everything I do and will falter but get through to the end I have to thank Donna for it man like talking to her I just felt so transcendental idk haha it may be an exaggeration but that's how I feel like that girl has like my heart man whenever she wants it she can have it cause I feel like she has given me the confidence to do me. This is a different vision of my life it's a different step idk it's like I will succeed I don't care what other people have to say about it. And I knew this in my mind already but I didn't feel it till last night and that's why I just feel so loving and crazy about her idk it's all good and it's not like I'm in love with her romantically or anything it's just I love her for opening me up. It's like when in anime the main character suddenly opens up new channels of their power and kicks the dudes ass haha that's how I feel. It's so great anyways I'll update soon.

It was horrible seeing you the other day.

Can someone anyone just get her out of my head. Make me forget that I ever loved her make me happy that I moved on. This is driving me nuts. All the little signs that I shouldn't be noticing but I do. The fact that she keeps coming up after long periods of time like spectre that does not wish to be forgotten. Just get her out! The fact that my mom defends her makes it twenty times worse like somehow this is my fault as if I didn't really want it so I didn't try. It's all so frustrating makes me want to go out and fight till I knockout or drink till I black out and lose all memory of her it's fo fucking stupid JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!

Flash Back

I want my high school fam back like I miss the days where we all just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. Now it seems like every other person has a problem with each other and just everything is splitting apart. Recently read a high school friend of mines blog and like the stuff she wrote in her blog is just amazing stuff that I wouldn't have known without reading it and it just makes me want to rediscover her.

Idk today has just been like a reminiscing kind of day for me. I brought out all the palancas and cards and everything Anyones ever written to me and just read through it all. My conclusion is that all these people shared their love and time with me and some I never payed them back appropriately some I just want to keep paying them over and over again because they've made such an impact on me and idk I just want to rediscover these people and share happiness and good times together. Like it would make me the happiest just to take this whole summer and do nothing but chill with every single person that's on my fb friend list and has taken some of their time to share their love.

These flash backs to times with specific people and just having fun with them. It's times like these that push me to randomly invite people out to hang out just hoping that through this time we can rekindle our friendship and further it and discover more and develop more our relationships it's like this that we reach the pinnacle of a friendship I believe. Of course there are people that we need not go through with this experience. These people divulge more and more of themselves every day we hang out with them. But we never know what a relationship that started out with a request on a social site can lead. Or a meeting of two people that prior to this exchange only exchanged awkward pleasantries. Idk I thrive on REALLY getting to know people.

As for how I'm feeling right now... Completely and utterly lost. Like I know what I want to experience but I also feel like I just want to live life and let things happen.

I cannot be afforded that luxury though, my parents are struggling with their lives and the weight of what they are in right now. So as the good son that I am, I am forced to follow what they think is best for me or to find a job and help with what's going on at home. They say I can find what I'm looking for around here in my own community but why do I have to feel like I'm compromising what I wanted just because they feel like it's necessary for me to go through college. Like I want to go out and search for a service program and maybe go away for a year and just help people in the world before returning to my studies. Like I'm sure in some way this can be set up for me. But everyone I talk to says no stay in college I won't want to go back into it if I leave, well then we'll cross that bridge when we get there but let me make my own decision on my life and decide where I want to go with it. It's complete and utter bullshit when parents say they're gonna let you make your own life decisions. Yeah alright, my mom actually threatened me with taking away all my stuff if I didn't send in the application money for my transfer out of St. John's well whatever I did it and now my plans are stuck. Tell you one thing though I'm taking sometime away from home in like a study abroad program cause I need adventure.

That's something I have realized lately, I need adventure I need to have things not go as like every one else's day goes. I think that makes an NPO job more appealing to me than a lawyer cause I want to be out and travel helping people all over the globe. But also this brings up the conflict that I want my family to be settled. But idk we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Maybe that's why I only want two kids too? Hmm. Don't know, but I digress. It's 4:42 in the morning and I have to go for a run around nine. haha

Letter to no one

You asked me the other day why I called you a jerk. Well I told you there was no reason it was just random sillyness from me. But that wasn't true I called you that because I feel like you're toying with my emotions. I never know what your intentions are. And I don't trust you any more. You've hurt me multiple times and I can't bring myself to let you in again. I love you. But it hurts to do so cause I feel imma get hurt. I don't know I'll be happiest with you but it hurts to be fooled again.

To You

Why is it that I can spend months away from you yet you come back in my life for a day and feelings for you resurface like a geyser?

Why is it that I can't read you, never know what your intentions are, I'm always confused as to what to be around you?

Are you aware of what you mean to me and how you affect me?

Does it frustrate you that we aren't on the same page

Or do you feel remotely close to the way I do, but are afraid of the consequences?

I just wish I can get a read on you

Because I don't regret having these feelings for you, because all the pain that may come from them being unrequited does not compare to the joy it would bring if they were to come to fruition.

How do I know? Because every second I spend with you is the happiest moment of my day.

A break

So this break off of school is already off to a great start. Chilled with my boy Kev yesterday had a great time and found maad cool shiz in his room! Then got home and enjoyed Air bud even though the idea behind these movies is stupid I still had a good time watching it with my lil bro and cuz. Then today woke up and just chilled with the momma and broski then went to mass and now watching futbol with my poppa haha it's pretty good.

Also today I discovered I am indeed a trophy whore when it comes to my PS3 haha I find myself constantly in quest to get the trophies for my games haha yes I am that much of a loser but whateva whateva I don't care haha it's who I am and had a great part in my upbringing.

So yeah this break is going swell so far haha I think the rest were to follow this weekend I would be satisfied.

State of affairs

So I just woke up at 5:38 AM to realize that I fell asleep writing my paper - _ -

I don't want to go to class today there is still so much on my mind man mostly right now it's my stomach which is making some stupid ass noises right now it's ridiculous. Second is the situation with Kev man I just want him to be better and lead an awesome life man we've got so much to live for and that dude is like another brother to me.

Another thing that's on my mind is whether or not she's worth breaking the rules for.. like I like her and it's like I think I'm gonna have to break my rules and throw away these restrictions I put on myself karma might bite me later on but honestly I don't care I'm gonna chase it and see where it takes me.

Other than that I had some random thoughts yesterday in sociology class. I was thinking to myself is our education system really educating or spreading propaganda of the country my ideal education system doesn't have a set language but can teach all different languages, but that will never happen cause it's just not practical so this leads me to believe that we can't really be free of the hold instituitons have on our freedom which leads me to another thing I read in Mark Twains book A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court I can't find the exact quote but it had something like we must be a supporter of the country and not the institutions that rule it. This is ideal for me which is why I believe we should get rid of the party system and the limititations on our education.

So yeah idk how that became a little social discourse but honestly that's how my mind works it jumps around a lot haha I don't think I'm going to go to class today honeslty I think I'm just going to hold myself up in the library reading/writing my thoughts or online looking up stuff I honestly don't know but I'm bored with the education system already haha I guess maybe St. John's just isn't the college for me I think I'm going to transfer out soon.

Anyways wish me luck with the girls situation and stuff and just till later I guess.. this probably won't be my last post of the day though.

Tidal Wave

So man how much emotion is going through me at this time it's like so much it's like a tidal wave.

First of all there was another earthquake this week this time in Chile an 8.8 that's amazing. Over 700 people have been reported dead and it's just like so crazy it's like the earth is falling apart right in front of us.

Then my best friend is going through some dark times and we are helping him out, but I did something that could have turned out real bad and I feel so terrible because it was due to my anger getting the best of me and my anger is something that really scares me sometimes it blinds me and I'm afraid I will hurt someone in my state of anger and I came dangerously close to it.

Now it's a problematic time in my life there are so many things going on that I don't tell anyone and just stick it out and help other people with there problems and it just helps to overwhelm me.

But there is some light shining through this darkness... I got a car I've got God of War pre-ordered haha and I've got a job lined up. So that will help clear some of the troubles even for brief moments.

Talked to my boy the other day and we've gotten more understanding through our convo and like idk I'll get past this and maybe I'll look back and realize that the tidal wave I thought I was facing ends up being a three foot tall one.

Guilt

I just suddenly feel guitly, because I want a friendship back with someone really badly, but haven't made the time to do it. Like I was reminiscing on old times with this person and how great they were but now we don't see each other anymore and it's my fault because she has reached out to me and invited me out I just haven't made the effort to go out and meet her. Meli if you ever read this I'm sorry and hopefully if you're reading this in some time in the future I would have been back on my game and chilling with you like the good ol days and if not and we still don't chill don't give up on me I wanna try.

No title

Don't know what to name this post but ya.

We have entered into 2010!

New decade man it's crazy I've seen two decades already in my life.

But anyways a lot has happened since the last time I posted. The holidays, new year, the earthquake in Haiti. The holidays were fun although it wasn't the family togetherness I would have hoped for it was still a good time with the immediate fams. New Year was fun with the friends. And I was heartbroken watching the people of Haiti after the effects of the earthquake last week.

Ha speaking of friends it seems to me that their has been a lot of talking behind people's backs going around. And some other people are being picked on among our friends and that has been something that has really begun to bug me. And there is also someone who I feel has betrayed my good faith in them and done something that warrants me forfeiting my support for them. But all in all I still have the same band of brothers and sister among my friends. I think this will eventually come to a boil and someones feelings are going to be hurt so sooner or later I'm gonna have to suggest that we get together and have a real venting about how some of us feel.

Haiti is something that's just like wow. I'ts one of those moments in my life where I look back and just get everything in perspective. I see how lucky I am and my responsibility to those less fortunate than I. It's crazy you always think that it can never get worse off, but then there's a point where it does. And then all that's left is to recover and continue. I pray for the people of Haiti so that they can come together and forge onward.

Well a lot of good things are happening in my life. My mom is on the verge of getting a new car and passing on her old one unto me. I feel more confident in my academic abilities after one semester under my belt. And once again I am shown how fortunate I am compared to learn of other's mistakes instead of living them myself.

Ah and one issue that has stood out to me lately and I've been pondering over it the past couple of weeks. Lately there have been a few groups or pages on facebook saying that if you want to live in America then you have to learn "our" language English. Well although the U.S. doesn't have an official language I do see the point in that if we do not have a common general language then it cannot work. So therefore it is best to learn the language for working towards a common goal in our society. I do agree with that point however, I totally disagree with the way these groups are bashing those who do not speak English. Bashing and mudslinging are never a good means of working toward your goal so therefore I agree with the people who say that we must work with these people to learn the language, because it is hard to learn something when you are past a certain age and when you had poor education to begin with. That is one obstacle another in my opinion is the fact that we make fun of the way that people speak the language after they have learned it. It's like you wanted me to speak YOUR language as we have put it and then you make fun of me. How would you feel if that's how people looked at your situation you can't win because if you don't learn it they bash you then you do learn it and they still bash you for your accent. People need to stop.