I want my high school fam back like I miss the days where we all just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. Now it seems like every other person has a problem with each other and just everything is splitting apart. Recently read a high school friend of mines blog and like the stuff she wrote in her blog is just amazing stuff that I wouldn't have known without reading it and it just makes me want to rediscover her.
Idk today has just been like a reminiscing kind of day for me. I brought out all the palancas and cards and everything Anyones ever written to me and just read through it all. My conclusion is that all these people shared their love and time with me and some I never payed them back appropriately some I just want to keep paying them over and over again because they've made such an impact on me and idk I just want to rediscover these people and share happiness and good times together. Like it would make me the happiest just to take this whole summer and do nothing but chill with every single person that's on my fb friend list and has taken some of their time to share their love.
These flash backs to times with specific people and just having fun with them. It's times like these that push me to randomly invite people out to hang out just hoping that through this time we can rekindle our friendship and further it and discover more and develop more our relationships it's like this that we reach the pinnacle of a friendship I believe. Of course there are people that we need not go through with this experience. These people divulge more and more of themselves every day we hang out with them. But we never know what a relationship that started out with a request on a social site can lead. Or a meeting of two people that prior to this exchange only exchanged awkward pleasantries. Idk I thrive on REALLY getting to know people.
As for how I'm feeling right now... Completely and utterly lost. Like I know what I want to experience but I also feel like I just want to live life and let things happen.
I cannot be afforded that luxury though, my parents are struggling with their lives and the weight of what they are in right now. So as the good son that I am, I am forced to follow what they think is best for me or to find a job and help with what's going on at home. They say I can find what I'm looking for around here in my own community but why do I have to feel like I'm compromising what I wanted just because they feel like it's necessary for me to go through college. Like I want to go out and search for a service program and maybe go away for a year and just help people in the world before returning to my studies. Like I'm sure in some way this can be set up for me. But everyone I talk to says no stay in college I won't want to go back into it if I leave, well then we'll cross that bridge when we get there but let me make my own decision on my life and decide where I want to go with it. It's complete and utter bullshit when parents say they're gonna let you make your own life decisions. Yeah alright, my mom actually threatened me with taking away all my stuff if I didn't send in the application money for my transfer out of St. John's well whatever I did it and now my plans are stuck. Tell you one thing though I'm taking sometime away from home in like a study abroad program cause I need adventure.
That's something I have realized lately, I need adventure I need to have things not go as like every one else's day goes. I think that makes an NPO job more appealing to me than a lawyer cause I want to be out and travel helping people all over the globe. But also this brings up the conflict that I want my family to be settled. But idk we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Maybe that's why I only want two kids too? Hmm. Don't know, but I digress. It's 4:42 in the morning and I have to go for a run around nine. haha
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
You asked me the other day why I called you a jerk. Well I told you there was no reason it was just random sillyness from me. But that wasn't true I called you that because I feel like you're toying with my emotions. I never know what your intentions are. And I don't trust you any more. You've hurt me multiple times and I can't bring myself to let you in again. I love you. But it hurts to do so cause I feel imma get hurt. I don't know I'll be happiest with you but it hurts to be fooled again.